Attachment to Stillness...

As I work on my path to enlightenment and more focused awareness of the present, lately I've been struggling with frustration issues.  Frustrations with lack of time to focus on my wife, spend time with my kids, play video games until late at night, play/practice my guitar...the list probably goes on.

I probably mostly chalked it up to a lack of balance between my personal wants and my personal choices and commitments.  Feeling a bit conflicted between various aspects of my life - you know, too many demands, not enough time.

End result is less patience.  The occasional exasperated sigh, bit of cursing or grumbling under my breath when asked to yet one more thing that wasn't my to-do list for the day.  My wife would probably say something more along the lines of bi-polar, but....well....whatever.  :)

I generally would have felt myself pretty centered.  Have to work of course and do usual things around the house.  Did find time to knock out some P90X for any hour or so 3 times a week and to go to martial arts for an hour twice a week.  So I was feeling a little perplexed at understanding exactly why it might be that sometimes these little things might cause such reactions, even when otherwise in a great mood?

Then today, while watching my daughter do her running with Girls On The Run after school today, I was listening to my audio book entitled "Wherever You Go, There You Are" and heard:

“You might be tempted to avoid the messiness of daily living for the tranquility of stillness and peacefulness. This of course would be an attachment to stillness [emphasis added by me], and like any strong attachment, it leads to delusion. It arrests development and short-circuits the cultivation of wisdom.”
― Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

Attachment to stillness....it resonated in my mind.  I could interpret this in a few ways, some good and others not so good.

One could say that attachment to stillness is another way to say 'detachment from daily living in order to preserve peacefulness'. Or maybe say it's a nicer way of saying 'avoiding conflict/confrontation' even at the cost of right thought/right speech. -- That doesn't sound right.

I could relate to that feeling of stillness to how I felt on vacation last year, relaxed on the beach without worries for anything really.  In my readings of the Tao, having and maintaining that sense of inner calm or peace allows one to flow with the ups and downs of life - not clinging to the lack of life's highs and lows.

That thought, that realization has stayed with me for the past 2 weeks almost.  When I feel myself feeling frustrated, though not due to challenging problems or dealing with life but more due to frustration that the events are infringing on my peaceful feelings.  Sounds a little like one in the same but really are very different.  The infringement distracts me from my mindfulness and allows the external to de-focus and become attached (and thereby dissatisfied) with losing my center balance. 

Funny memory comes to mind of my getting angry and cursing at the blowing wind that was interfering with my planned landscaping jobs outside.  Lot of good that did - wind kept blowing.  Should have just accepted it, enjoyed the cooling effect and carried on.  Likewise, refocusing, accepting and flowing with whatever life brings and keeping inner peace.

Maybe that's not totally right, but seems to be for now.

Peace...