Reflections on Turning 45 (pt 2) Thoughts About My So-Called Life

I turn my back to the wind
To catch my breath
Before I start off again.
Driven on without a moment to spend
To pass an evening with a drink and a friend

-       RUSH, Time Stand Still

Thoughts About My So-Called Life

How does one pare down and summarize one's life 'to date' is an odd thing to think about when looking to share with others. How personal to get? What's important and what is trivial? Might simply start with list of big events, see where it goes from there?

Summary Life So Far…

Childhood through early adult….

In the beginning....haha! Sorry, just popped to mind. Could have gone with 'it was the best of times, it was the worst of times' or something similar. Just needed to get the words flowing, and off we go!

 

For those who don’t know, I was born and raised to adulthood in the suburbs of Washington D.C.. Two brothers, one older and one younger, and one sister.  Largely raised as the fabled ‘middle child’ and overall would say I had typical middle class childhood.  Siblings = someone to play with or annoy or whatever most of the time.  Parents striving to do provide the best they could, usually resulting in my Dad working more than 1 job most of the time.  Moved 3x as I grew up, rental to bigger to BIGGER to more sensible houses in the same community so was largely able to keep same friends from elementary school through high school.

 

High school was pretty good.  Sports weren’t my thing growing up, made to do ‘something’ which equated to not-fun seasons of soccer (too much running around) and baseball (generally didn’t understand game nor had fundamental hitting/fielding skills to make it pleasant) but did find my niche is band (marching and concert).  Built friendships that have lasted in some cases to today – pretty impressive, eh?

 

Only one really significant girlfriend throughout pretty much all of high school.  First girlfriend, long-time girlfriend through freshman year of college where I guess I’d say things ran their course and we split up.  Pretty good impact on my early adulthood as dated a fair amount but didn’t really establish that deep relationship out of fear of getting heart broken in similar devastating way.

 

Went to general liberal arts college in central VA, not my first choice of schools, but looking back was probably a perfect choice!  No real passion for what I wanted to ‘be’ when I grew up so entered as undeclared major and eventually found myself with B.S. degrees in Physics and Applied Math.  Mostly picked my major study areas based on what I enjoyed and what I was good at rather than with any particular job or career field in mind.

 

As mentioned in earlier paragraph, no real girlfriend or relationships in college besides a handful of close friends and a few unrequited attempts.  Probably not emotionally mature enough or whatever.  Rocked college otherwise with nearly perfect grades until succumbing to distraction of parties, cheap beer and ambitions of ‘hooking up’ my senior year.

Segway….not a bad summary of first 20 years or so.  Could probably go deeper in places but leaving that for another day.  And musical interlude…

(Time stand still)
I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now

-       RUSH, Time Stand Still

Early Adulthood…or The Good, The Bad and the Ugly….

So following graduation my first job wound up being with a small company support defense which, thankfully to some GREAT mentors and perseverance, turned into a fairly diverse career.  Fortunately only voluntarily changed jobs 3 times in 25 years (wow….that sounds like a LONG TIME!!!!), but more on that later I suppose.

 

Probably with linkages back to earlier mention of 1^st girlfriend, not too many serious ones along the way, and, in hindsight, some immaturity mixed in with self-diagnosed co-dependency; enter the Bad/Ugly territory that would be one of the only few BIG mistakes made so far in short, not very happy with many years consequences to come marriage from 1995-2002.  Thinking about ‘wish I knew what I know now when I was younger’ – I’d perhaps have listened to my good friends at the time and saved myself a lot of grief, frustration and expense.  But in Sliding Doors kind of way, not possible to know what alternative directions life might have taken had it not occurred.  No hiding in samsara on this one or creating veiled illusions about what might have been.

 

Things are perfect as they are because they can’t be any other way…..

 

I’ll go Forrest Gump know and just say that’s all I have to say about that.

 

Which transitions nicely in to the Good.  Re-married in 2004 to love of my life.  Have ridden the ups and downs of headache that is having to deal with ex- whose been unstable and generally a negative drag on my shared children.  The battles and recurring contention takes its toll which probably gets blurred in with other parts of life resulting in some disillusionment, skepticism, and cynicism. 

 

The Rest of (Over-rated) Adulthood Summed Up…

 

Two children, well, young teens currently in middle school.  I try pretty hard to be the Dad I would want to be.  Lots of pets – different topic for completely different set of writing.  And fortunately I can say I’ve a few close friends, and many more friends and acquaintances through different activities and groups.  Comparatively with many of my peers, in many cases it’s my observation that they sadly can probably count their ‘close friends’ on one hand.  Sometimes it's hard work to put yourself 'out there' to meet people other than through work or kids or neighbors.....but try it!!!!

 

Besides growing up in Virginia, I've also lived for various amounts of time in Colorado Springs and Syracuse as my career has progressed.  Work has also afforded quite a bit of travel both around the US and to parts of the world.  I enjoy traveling and visiting new places for personal trips too.  Not so much to the bigger touristy places such as Orlando/Disney but to other locations offering more immersive opportunities with more local crowds.  Favorite places include UK, France, Italy, Netherlands and Belgium.

As for family both close and more distant, I've 2 brothers, a sister, and a mom, maternal grandparents and Aunts, Uncles and cousins I'd consider close family still on their own journeys.  I did lose my Dad in 2004 but more on that in a later entry.


 Living away from family creates its own dynamic. Closeness is as hard or easy depending on the efforts put in on both sides of the equation. As life unfolds and we create our own spheres of friends and interests maybe divergence is inevitable. Here some deconstructing of samsara does enter in, because initially and yeah, sometimes still, may have random wishes things might be 'different' and my kids childhood be more similar to mine, especially when holiday times roll around. 

But, accepting and appreciating that not only are things 'as they are', and maybe even 'better' from their perspectives. Definitely different life for my kids relative to my own experiences but in context of making/losing friends, developing close relationships with those within our sphere and needing to open up and bond with people you've no blood relation too is a positive thing too.  Especially in the context of karma and no accidents -- people come and go into our lives for unseen reasons as we also impact their lives.

Lastly, on status of life so far and overall posture entering in to 2nd half of my life, I've had no major illnesses or injuries, more on health stuff in Part 3. I did have deer vs motorcycle accident about 2 years ago now. Brought end to hobby I really enjoyed but given the impacts of that accident on my wife and family, decided to find other pursuits that carry as much of a thrill and independence feeling but without the inherent risk of death.  Maybe return to it someday....maybe not.

"Time Stand Still"

(Time stand still)
I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away
Experience slips away

I turn my face to the sun
Close my eyes
Let my defences down
All those wounds that I can't get unwound

(Time stand still)
I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each impression a little bit stronger
Freeze this motion a little bit longer
The innocence slips away
The innocence slips away...

Summer's going fast, nights growing colder
Children growing up, old friends growing older
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away
Experience slips away...
The innocence slips away

Reflections on Turning 45 (pt 1)...

7 Dec - An Opening Message…

First, to those who happen to read and maybe comment on my musings, thank you for taking the time.  Most of you are probably my friends, family members or old acquaintances from past jobs, college, high school or even as far back as childhood friends.  Some may be family members or friends of friends and possibly complete strangers.  Regardless, as we’re all on our own journeys called ‘life’ it my hope that my writing might inspire, or cause pensive meditation on similar circumstances in your lives.  Possibly, there will even be some unanswered questions that arise and any tips, suggestions or feedback will be appreciated!

- Preview -

When considering how and where to start reflecting on one’s life so far, it seems natural to identify some boundaries to guide my thoughts and writing.  45 years is a long time and some prejudice is warranted to both filter down a life full of events ranging from the mundane, boring stuff to the good, the bad and the tragic that have worked to shape ‘me’ and to hopefully keep it interesting and compelling.  As I’ve written my outline and began forming up what will be included, I’ve already a longer list of other topics probably to be expanded later – outside of this thread.

As the Billy Joel song goes...

So many faces in and out of my life
Some will last
Some will just be now and then
Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes...

 - Read, Meditate/Reflect, Adapt and "Just Do It..." -

So no surprise here, I'm running behind.  This post was SUPPOSED to be out a week ago, but life has a tendency to get in the way of my plans.  Plus, outlining, drafting, editing and re-editing takes time so whatever, don't sue me!!!

Like the subheading says though, whatever you set out before yourself to do, no matter success or fail or procrastinate or get interrupted, remind yourself to "Just Do It!!!".  For lots of things, no one else can do it for you and they're not magically going to do themselves.  What awaits if you give up who knows, but one thing I do now will arise is regret.  When it's too late it's too late.

Which links into what maybe a recurring theme in this series, and that is loss and general unpreparedness for it. All the shit we put off to another day, usually in my case to do something completely valueless and pointless.  Guilty.  A few friends have died this year, a good friends husband in an accident.  Maybe you lost relatives for friends too this year.  Sorry about that.

Tomorrow isn't a guarantee for any of us.  It's way too easy to sleep-walk through our lives, such is the nature of samsara.  But to be mindful of our thoughts, of our surroundings, to live in the 'now' as opposed to the past or the future -- that is something to strive for every day.

So, please read on.  Maybe you'll find cause or trigger to think about your life, your circumstances or even mine.  Adapt to what moves you, or provide me comments/suggestions on my road so far....

And off we go!!!

- Namaste

Reflections Approaching 45

To dwell in the here and now does not mean you never think about the past, or responsibly plan for the futurre. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly grounded in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness and concentration. You can attain many insights by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment.
~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~  

As the subject implies, in a few weeks I’ll be reaching 45 yrs in this life which culturally is supposed to be a milestone or major life event.  Me, generally don’t think too much about birthdays.  Aside from turning ‘legal’ at 21, the other biggies at 30, or 40 were no big deal.  Felt same turning 40 as I did at 30, just in a different place in my life – not necessarily a better place but more on that later.  But the past couple of years have been interesting ones for me, giving me pause to think about my life so far overall, things I wish I hadn’t done and those I wish I had.  Thinking about the good, bad, mixed, my dad at 45 and thought I’d blog it. 

Not quite inspirational perhaps.  Definitely about my journey through samsara so maybe there’s the linkage.  Regardless, going to ‘put it out there’ as I feel motivated to do so.  My hope is this provides some insight, maybe some humor, and if it’s any good maybe some motivation for others at whatever stage you might be at in your journey…..

Regression hurts...Attachment comes in as many forms and disguises as the ego (Pt 1)

So last night, came face to face with many 'me' issues.  Ego - the "I" - of myself surfaced and based on ensuing conversation with my wife, he pops out more often than I realized or might care to admit.

As I've been reading, learning and walking towards my goal of enlightenment, outwardly I'd say things were progressing nicely.  Finding my way along the 8-fold path had it's challenges, especially when circumstances in life created internal contractions between what I thought was the right action/speech/intent and my perceptions of possibly condoning something that was wrong for sake of those whose suffering might be a little less by my continued actions or support.

But after last nights issues, I've spent the morning, the past almost 3 hours, going through the causes and trying to get at the 'why' I felt or reacted as I did.  Self reflection and self denial can run deep it seems.

Main cause of the argument started out with my reaction or pissed-off-ness about conditions in the house due to having quite a lot of cats at the moment.  Anger arising over spraying and subsequent smells in the house, scratched up wood trim and furniture -- pushed my buttons attributed to thoughts that a lot of time, money and effort went into our home and feeling angry that it gets damaged or ruined.

Self-justifiable to me.  My wife brought up 'attachment to things' which as she's aware of my philosophies 'isn't supposed to bother me'.  She's not wrong, but still, it's one of the things that can get under my skin.

Unhappiness with the state of parts of the house/yard are easy to blame on our 4-legged family members, and I went on down the path to conclude that if there weren't so many of them, there would be less house issues and therefore I'd be less bothered.  Again, made logical sense at the time.  But now in the light of day, having put the animals out, and followed one of the cats around outside as he rolled around in the dirt and explored the yard I introspectively began to dig down into my feelings and to try to understand root causes.  Can't work on problem(s) without knowing what they are or where they're hiding.

I've heard it said that still waters run deep - this one perhaps runs deep too, yet at the moment seems simultaneously obvious.

I thinks its partly true that attachment is one piece of the puzzle.  But it's not alone.  I think I've other bigger related issues.  After giving this lots of thought and unraveling the multitude of related issues, I've arrived back near the start of the path towards enlightenment.

2nd Noble Truth:  Life is difficult because of attachment, because we crave satisfaction in ways that are inherently dissatisfying.

Attachment describes the underlining issue in a word, probably along with other similar or related words.  But attachment to something much more complex and intangible than attachment to my house, or my time, or my things, or my inner peace.

My issues arise because of the second part of the 2nd Noble Truth as stated above.  "...because we crave satisfaction in ways that are inherently dissatisfying."  This should have been more obvious had I been more mindful of my thoughts and feelings, but easier and less effort to think that I'm O.K.

Continued.....

Attachment to Stillness...

As I work on my path to enlightenment and more focused awareness of the present, lately I've been struggling with frustration issues.  Frustrations with lack of time to focus on my wife, spend time with my kids, play video games until late at night, play/practice my guitar...the list probably goes on.

I probably mostly chalked it up to a lack of balance between my personal wants and my personal choices and commitments.  Feeling a bit conflicted between various aspects of my life - you know, too many demands, not enough time.

End result is less patience.  The occasional exasperated sigh, bit of cursing or grumbling under my breath when asked to yet one more thing that wasn't my to-do list for the day.  My wife would probably say something more along the lines of bi-polar, but....well....whatever.  :)

I generally would have felt myself pretty centered.  Have to work of course and do usual things around the house.  Did find time to knock out some P90X for any hour or so 3 times a week and to go to martial arts for an hour twice a week.  So I was feeling a little perplexed at understanding exactly why it might be that sometimes these little things might cause such reactions, even when otherwise in a great mood?

Then today, while watching my daughter do her running with Girls On The Run after school today, I was listening to my audio book entitled "Wherever You Go, There You Are" and heard:

“You might be tempted to avoid the messiness of daily living for the tranquility of stillness and peacefulness. This of course would be an attachment to stillness [emphasis added by me], and like any strong attachment, it leads to delusion. It arrests development and short-circuits the cultivation of wisdom.”
― Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

Attachment to stillness....it resonated in my mind.  I could interpret this in a few ways, some good and others not so good.

One could say that attachment to stillness is another way to say 'detachment from daily living in order to preserve peacefulness'. Or maybe say it's a nicer way of saying 'avoiding conflict/confrontation' even at the cost of right thought/right speech. -- That doesn't sound right.

I could relate to that feeling of stillness to how I felt on vacation last year, relaxed on the beach without worries for anything really.  In my readings of the Tao, having and maintaining that sense of inner calm or peace allows one to flow with the ups and downs of life - not clinging to the lack of life's highs and lows.

That thought, that realization has stayed with me for the past 2 weeks almost.  When I feel myself feeling frustrated, though not due to challenging problems or dealing with life but more due to frustration that the events are infringing on my peaceful feelings.  Sounds a little like one in the same but really are very different.  The infringement distracts me from my mindfulness and allows the external to de-focus and become attached (and thereby dissatisfied) with losing my center balance. 

Funny memory comes to mind of my getting angry and cursing at the blowing wind that was interfering with my planned landscaping jobs outside.  Lot of good that did - wind kept blowing.  Should have just accepted it, enjoyed the cooling effect and carried on.  Likewise, refocusing, accepting and flowing with whatever life brings and keeping inner peace.

Maybe that's not totally right, but seems to be for now.

Peace...

When Right Thought and Right Action Equal Wrong Response

[Started this 2 weeks ago....but things don't always end how you think they will.]

Maybe it's the POWER of Right Thought and Right Action with a bit of nam myoho renge kyo? At least maybe in the 2nd instance.

- Original Post -

This post has been stewing in my mind for about the past week.

Recently have had 2 instances/events where, while striving to follow the Noble Eightfold Path - specifically Right Intention and Right Action not exactly coming out as anticipated.  Just a man trying to follow and adhere to my beliefs, now slightly confused and a bit perplexed.

So in the first instance, started doing volunteer work at a local location that appeared aligned with my values and beliefs. After a few worrying observations, I later became aware of some associated facts that are in direct conflict with others closely held beliefs.  So what to do?  Right action could be applied to keep doing my volunteer work for the benefit of making the lives of those impacted better.  Right thought could be applied in leading by example with hope that those in charge of the facility might become enlightened and change their ways.

The second instance, a bit more close to home.  For the sake of anonymity, suffice it to say that taking the right action for the benefit of an innocent creature led to a visit from our friendly neighborhood deputy sheriff!  ...

- Recent Observations -

So, a few days after visit from po-po, our neighbors dog wandered over (again) having broken the rope used to tie her out which she subsequently got tangled up with our deck furniture.  When I got home from work, the dog was gone, but I wanted to take the remains of the rope and collar over to the neighbors.  As I was walking up the driveway, seems 2 other neighbors were walking down the neighbors driveway with a lead in hand -- I guess the wandering dog had roamed over to their house and they returned her to her proper home.

Eventually I spoke with the husband the neighbors with the dogs.  Talked about visit from police and events that lead up to it.  Explained that we love pets (have more than I care to count!) and when their dog came over last time during a wind-driven, <10 degree snowstorm we let her in our house.  No malicious intent, just what we'd hope someone might do for one of our pets if they got out during such weather.  Having lamented issues they had when they tried keeping the dogs inside, I made a few suggestions and included suggestion to leave garge door up a bit so in bad weather the dogs might wander inside for shelter at least.

Fast forward a week or two, and during the last recent snow storm the dogs were taken INSIDE!  Whoohoo!  And for the few recent nights when it's gotten cold at night the dogs seem to be inside as well.

So, in the beginning, stuck by our beliefs and gave some shelter to a dog in need.  Things looked to be going a little pair shaped but at the end of the day, maybe it was our right thought/action that gave neighbors reason to try it our way.  Win for the dogs either way.....

Happy Friday!

Co-mingling the old with the new

This topic is generally intended to generate some comments back once I've explained the details behind the post.  Please do subscribe, follow, and share your thoughts back for my consideration!  :)

As posted in my 2012 summaries, they year held some unexpected events and welcomed growth opportunities by getting engaged with the local vegan/vegetarian groups.  Growing your circle of friends is of course a very good thing.  Finding a larger community that shares your values and principles that your more immediate (and longer term) circle of friends and acquaintances has caused me to question the topic of this post.  That being:

As a person grows and evolves, can co-mingle their old and new friends and if so, how to go about it?

Observations...

I imagine this topic could be presented from several perspectives whether one has found a new religion, political affiliation, or social cause so the topic should be relate-able to across a diverse segment of readers.  Maybe even relate-able to some who've experienced this from the other side where your friends or family have grown or changed and it effected your relationship with them.

In my case, I've been vegetarian for nearly 12 years and gone vegan in the past year.  Until recently our circle of friends, co-workers, acquaintances and family are typical omnivores.  This naturally begets the expected questions about our lifestyle choices and initially makes dinner parties challenging at first especially when we're invited to someone's home for dinner.  I got the anticipated jokes and queries about whether I've chosen my lifestyle for myself or because my wife had and I just went along with it.

I say the questions and jokes are 'to be expected' because I'd bought into the notion that we were the ones who were different and outside the mainstream and therefore ought to expect to be looked upon strangely.

Now, I had long just smiled and laughed and explained myself again...and again.  Many times doing that cycle with the SAME people.  Go along to get along I guess would be a good description.

I will point out however that the jokes and put-downs and challenges surpassed anything I had encountered previously, for example, when switching from Lutheran to Born-Again Baptist to Agnostic and certainly more than any way I would have ever considered putting down or make jokes at the expense of someone else who's beliefs might be different to mine.

A new perspective...

As 2012 progressed, our vegetarianism grew to getting engaged with some local activism on behalf of being a voice for circus and rodeo animals that are exploited for the entertainment of humans.  Through these meetups and connections we got engaged with a larger vegetarian/vegan community in Colorado Springs.  What an experience and what a FANTASTIC awakening!!!

Being around a group of otherwise strangers and not getting the snide comments and veiled jokes was so refreshing.  Within the group there is a diverse set of reasons different people had chosen the veg/vegan lifestyle ranging from health to environment to animal suffering.  In the months that followed we have learned a lot and forged some new friendships amongst these kindred souls.

Not seeking to abandon our existing circle of friends, we continued engaging with both sets of friends separately and inviting both groups to our annual Halloween party.  That was an interesting experience to say the least but good in exposing some of our omnivore friends to our diverse set of veg/vegan friends for some hopeful synergy.

Afterward...

So in spite of best effort, what has resulted in a bit of a quandary.  Having experienced the liberation that is a community of people with similar lifestyle choices, the friends who had different sets of beliefs or values sometimes seems to be almost actively opposed or threatened by our lifestyle regardless of our acceptance of those lifestyles that differ from ours.

Acceptance should be a 2-way street amongst friends or general people who either chose or have to be around each other for large portions of time.  Right?

Now it seems more blatant when friends and co-workers make jokes about my chosen lifestyle.  The casual jab with a "Don't you want to eat some deer chili?" or "Hey, want some bacon because bacon tastes good." comes across with the same hostility as "I know you're Muslim, but want some pork?" or "Hey, I know you're an alcoholic but man is this beer/wine/liquor good!!!  Too bad you have to miss out.".

It is offensive. Period.

The dilemma...

With good friends, one would expect a little acceptance; at least the same acceptance you would expect from a complete stranger.  Likewise, you might expect you could talk it out with friends and reach common ground and moving forward.  Easier said than done I think.

Do you treat it like religion and politics and just not talk about it?  Do you wear it on your sleeve and dare people to challenge you on your choices?  Or do you go with your gut, say "Fuck you.", and move on?

[my apologies for the language but sometimes that what I feel.  Tried going along.  Tried laugh and ignoring.  Tried rationally explaining my choices.  Sadly, maybe...growth = moving on.

It can be a struggle when one is compelled to share their compassion or beliefs with those with a different point of view in hopes of leading them to the light.  Similar to being called to save souls by spreading the word of whatever god you worship (or not) and helping those who can't help themselves.  If it is your call of duty, then direct engagement with those different from you is actually required as opposed to retreating into a more common community of belief holders and having a less stressful, less challenged daily existence.

So to who ever reads this.  What say you?

When I'm recharged and full of gumption I feel the answer is to stay engaged.  Take deep breaths and press forward with/through/over those who disagree.  To stay engaged for some may see the light.  But being but a human with good days and bad.  With the occasional day when the fight just isn't in me and I'm tired and just want acceptance.

I don't know when one gives up on the old that just won't move at all.  engagement with those who can't 'agree to disagree'. Can't accept the differences in values or beliefs and/or just avoid the subject altogether. 

Won't find a profound answer here...yet.  I'm still trying.  Maybe it's a frustrating is convincing a conservative that healthcare for all is a good thing or a liberal the private gun rights can be a good thing.  Hard when you believe that through the exchange of ideas we can ALL grow and learn from each other.  After all, we're all in this life together.

I had grand visions of how this post might enlighten me or the readers.  Regardless of achieving that end state, it feels good to share and maybe get some good feedback too!

Off to feed the zoo here that is 3 dogs, 2 rabbits, a guinea pig and too many cats to count!!!

TGIF!